Here is the thing, as a teenager, my mother tried to explain the birds and the birds to me in vein and exasperation. Quite frankly, the only thing I remembered from that awkward and backward conversation was that a woman must be a lady by day, and a tiger by night. Hence my enlightenment trip to England that summer.
Imagine me drowning in puberty and battling whacky and raging hormones, so whilst in London, a relative of the family was introducing his pre-puberty teenager to the ways of the world, and so he got us in front of the lit stove with two frying pans, one barely warm and the other blazing hot, then he added a slice of bacon to each and said, ‘for the bacon to sizzle, the frying pan must be’, “hot” we shouted in unison and then he told us, think of the hot frying pan as the woman and man as the bacon and that was the end of the theory part of our sex education lesson.
For the practical part of the lesson, he took to a seedy part of London to visit a comfort woman that taught us about a fate worse than death.
Listen, the stupid things men have said to women with respect to the perplexity of carnal knowledge, never ceased to absolutely and positively astound me:
· It’s your responsibil
ity to protect yourself. Assuming that I am some kind of careless woman – Where are my running shoes?
- It’s a woman’s responsibility to keep herself on the shelf – This remark I can tolerate, God knows, as soon as you snatch one of the buggers, you just let yourself go!
- I discover that I am a roaming rooster not a homing one – You are going to tell me that all along that this idiot did not know that his one eyed sailor wonders?
- I am not into ornaments anymore – Sorry buddy, you are not going to leave the serving dish in the cabinet or whatnot and come and burn holes in my frying pan
- It sounds like you want me to leave my wife or woman – I withhold comments on this one, for what I am going to say is not going to pretty at all!
